My life with Lauren needs a new title

Our son Jace David was born on March 31st.
Here are some pics until I can get a proper post up: http://myjace.shutterfly.com

4D Sonogram 10/17/2008

It's a BOY!

Knocked Up

This is no news to most, but we are expecting baby #1 on April 5 2009!

And how do we know this wonderful fact? The home pregnancy test of course.

Lauren took no fewer than 12 home tests before finally deciding to declare herself pregnant.

Note to self: some things are just fine to buy the Target brand of. Items such as pain reliever, milk, and paper products. But when it comes to the home pregnancy test, isn't it best just to spend a little more to know for sure?

I agree.

Knife to Meet You

My dad once gave me possibly the most important advice of my life, ‘Avoid a knife fight, they are bloody and messy.’

True wisdom from a sage I love and revere from the hills of Knoxville, where they really do know a thing or two about knife fighting, and chicken fighting for that matter, but that’s different post.

I also have a horrible knife memory from my childhood. My sister used to take dance classes at the somewhat shady Renette Park on the south side of El Cajon.

I always tagged along. My mom would be inside watching my sister learn to be the next Fergie, and I would go out to the park to learn about life on the streets and play whatever pickup game was going on. I was about 11 or so, and at that point in my life, very afraid of snakes, older kids, and black dudes who hung out at community parks.

So it was during one of these days that I saw one black dude get mad at another black dude during a pickup football game. At the height of his anger black dude #1 pulled out a switchblade and raised it in the general direction of black dude #2 and said “I’ll part your hair Tyrone.” True story, I did not make that name up.

I have since gotten over my fear of black dudes in public places, but not my fear of knives or snakes.

Fast-forward to 2004. I am a newlywed enjoying the simple things in life with my new bride like going on walks, folding laundry while watching Padre games, and cooking together.

One evening while making dinner together My Life With Lauren TM happened again.

She was telling me a particularly intense story, and she was pretty animated about it. I don’t remember the nature of the story but it’s safe to assume it involved a retail associate and the fact that to Lauren, they’re all idiots.

The catch is that we are chopping veggies while L tells the story, meaning that she is holding . . . (you guessed it) a KNIFE!

As the story reaches its boiling point and her arms are flying and chopping that I warn her to take it easy with all the gesturing since she is holding a knife, and has a propensity for household accidents.

At that comment she gets all defensive and offended and says “Hey, I’m a big girl, I know how to chop vegetables and talk.”

We’ll see about that . . .

Not 30 seconds go by, and as we’re both working on the same cutting board, Beinhana shanks me in the finger with her ninja blade.

We’re not talking about her slightly poking or brushing my finger with the knife, and me having an alarmed reaction without merit. I bled my own blood.

Which earned her a “Dammit Lauren!!!!!” for the first time in our marriage.

So be warned, friends don’t let friends chop and talk.

Who Needs a Bluetooth When You Can Text?

So everyone is making such a big fuss these days over the new hands-free cellphone law. Big Deal.

For Lauren, this has never been a problem, because as many of you who attempt to call her now understand, the girl will text in any situation, but she is really not too keen on the whole answering the phone when it's ringing gig. Go figure.

To Lauren, why would you spend 2 minutes on a phone call when you could text back and forth for an hour trying to describe how good these new $200 jeans make her butt look?

To most of us it doesn't add up, but most of us are not Lauren.

So, a while back Lauren had the duty of driving my truck while I rode shotgun through the wild streets of Santucky. For her, maneuvering the F-150 is a rare and special treat, although it does induce sweaty palms for her.

Well, while riding next to my truck-driving bride I notice that she is texting someone.

Normally texting and driving, while not advisable by the CHP, me or anyone, is simply a fact of life . . . it happens.

But again most of us do not own Lauren's colorful driving record either.

So, with my shiny truck barely a few months old, and knowing that driving this beast freaks her out, I said very politely, "Honey, do you think you should be texting & driving, especially in the truck?"

Of course this got Hermoine all ready to cast a spell on me.
Full of indignation and anger she spewed back, and I quote, "I'm not MISSPELLING ANY OF THE WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

To which I said, "Who cares about the spelling, I'm saying don't text cause you might crash the dang car!"

OMG . . . Like I was so worried that the act of driving would take away from her stellar Akeelah and the Bee spelling skills!

Only Lauren would think the worst possible outcome of texting & driving would be forgetting that i comes after e except after c.

A Wii Bit of Danger

So, Lauren's good friend Abby is in town from Denver, and we've been hanging out the last couple of nights, along with Abby's twin sister Megan. Lucky for us Abby is staying with her parents who have a great house with a great view.

Better than that, they have a Wii.

Smartly, the good folks at Nintendo provide warnings like the one here advising players to observe their "personal space."

Lauren and I had set out on our own personal Wii-Quest at the beginning of the year, and after camping out at every Circuit City and Wal Mart known to civilization, we just got tired of it and the thrill of the chase had worn off. So we never got one.

Maybe that was God's divine protection in disguise. I think it was Garth Brooks who put it best when he said he "Thanked God for unanswered prayers."

Back to Abby's house, after dinner we retired to the living room where we set off to play some Wii Sports. Wii Tennis was first up.

It's at this point that My Life With Lauren TM comes into focus.
As we battled it out, husband and wife vs. The Twins, Lauren's competitive and athletic prowess begins to manifest.

All of the sudden in mid game we hear the horrible CLACK of two Wii controllers making violent contact.

In her expert follow through, Serena Williams . . . . I mean Lauren wacks controllers with Abby.
After falling on the couch in embarrassed laughter, Lauren promises to "Lock it Up."

A break point later, Lauren, now manning the net position again rifles a shot back at The Twins and BAM! drills me right in the back of the arm with her Wii stick.

After some sweet, gentle encouragement from her husband, Lauren is back in the game, where it must be mentioned that she is actually doing really well.

But not two minutes later it happens again, BAM! same place, right in the back of the arm once more. Ahhh my Lauren. You're the best.

Fast forward to Wednesday night and we were back up for day 2 of hanging with Abby & Megan. After a full 1-course meal from Greek Style Chicken (which is what they serve in Heave I hear) I excused myself to some more Wii sports, while the girls chatted up the kitchen.

After a little while, Lauren decides she wants to challenge me in Tennis. The catch, this time she has to stand behind the couch while I smash cross-court returns and rout her out of the game.

What's Cooler Than Cool?

An ice-cold iPod, that's what!

Today Lauren decided the best way to keep her iPod safe from thieves was to hide it with her lunch in the company fridge all day.

It worked. No one stole it, and after just five hours you could actually see the screen again.